Email and texting have changed a lot of person-to-person communication, but in the world of funeral homes, the telephone still rings. In funeral home terminology, when someone calls to report a death, that is a "first call." The person who calls is "the informant."
On August 20th, I answered a first call from Richard Worthington, the informant. Mr. Worthington was reporting that his partner, James MacGruther, had died at home at 82. He had been taken to the emergency room where he was pronounced. Richard and James had been together for 35 years but they were not married. Richard sounded distraught.
I was an intern, at 56, at a Jewish funeral home. James MacGruther was Jewish. (It's not that unusual.) We all tend to make cultural assumptions and I made two: first, that James MacGruther was not Jewish, and second, based on the phone call, that Richard was African American. The second assumption proved true.
Richard told me that James had made and prepaid for his own funeral arrangements and had completed an advance funeral directive to be cremated. Cremation is not traditionally Jewish and, I learned, was anathema to Richard.
I took down the basic information. When I got off the phone, I went to see John, the general manager, to give him the first-call sheet. (A lot of funeral paperwork still takes place on paper.) I was relatively new and taking a first call was kind of a thrill -- I was really doing this! I handed John the paper and excitedly announced, "The gay guy got the gay call!" John, a devout Catholic who keeps religious icons on his desk, looked at me nonplussed. (I had assumed everyone knew I was gay, but the next day, I made sure to smooth things over. He did not know and was puzzled by my announcement.)
Because I was an intern, I turned the case over to one of the funeral directors, who happens also to be named Josh. Josh called Richard back to confirm the arrangements. When he got off the phone, Josh said to me, "Richard must be James's caregiver."
With that, I was determined to be the one who met Richard at the door when he came alone to view James. Richard was an emotional mess when he arrived.
From that point, I was Richard's contact. He returned a few days later to pick up James's cremated remains, and I again met him at the door. He was in better shape. I handed him the blue bag with the boxed remains inside. We sat in the lobby for a few minutes, mostly in silence. He told me that, when the time comes, he is going to have James's ashes buried with him.